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New journal [Mar. 14th, 2010|02:34 pm]
I'm over livejournal.


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Transitioning [Jul. 21st, 2009|08:12 am]
While I don't think I'll shut this journal down, I will no longer be posting to it. In the case that you still use LJ and would like to continue reading, friend me with my new livejournal name, vervega.


This journal was just another version of me. While I'm trying to mesh the new and the old versions, I don't want to harp on the old memories.  Here's to fresh starts.

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Dreams [Jul. 20th, 2009|06:27 pm]
My imagination can be so vivid when it wants to. I expect a severe emotional response when I watch a good movie or read a good book. Whether it be to cry my eyes out at PS I Love You time and time again, to be terrified at the idea of an apocolypse that leaves the world so dilapitated only few survive, or to swoon at a chivalrous hero like Mr. Darcy. These are the creations of minds much more creatively attuned than mine.

But when I dream.

Some people don't remember their dreams. I say that they are lucky. Most of the ideas that stick to the inside of my brain with an epoxy are ghastly things. I've even stopped sharing most of them most of the time. My words are not quite effective enough to convey the severity of the images in my mind. I'm certainly not an artist, so i can't paint them. My songwriting is too technical, so I can't communicate it through music. I find that I'm at a loss and i just get to suffer through the "hangover" that applies itself throughout the waking day after the dream.

This time, again, my words barely ever do them justice, it's 5:38 and I still haven't been able to shake this one, so I'm just going to write a bare bones outline.

Two girls, one of which is me, are in high school. They sleep over each other's houses often and tend to know each other inside and out. Laughter is an activity all its own. Once they start, not much is needed to keep them going. Life is light and conversation is surface. The bond is such, however, that one girl knows what the other is thinking before the other even thinks it. Because they can predict each other's moods they can usually stave off the less than exhilerating ones.

At some point, the laughter dwindles. The girls see each other nearly as often but the connection starts to fade into the background. It's like an old memory that eventually loses its color, vibrance, detail. Now and then, one of them gets into a bad mood and the other can't get her out of it. A biting remark mars their usually optimistic and supportive rapport.

My friend begins to develop a permanent sneer. She ignores my requests to help. All usual attempts at cheerfulness seem to hit a wall. The malaise is infectious. Around town people start to go missing. Noone we really know well. Too many for it to simply be people taking off because of the good weather.

We have this fort that we go to. It's actually a simple shed, at the back of her backyard, pushed into the woods. Her parents were no longer using it and at about 13 we both got it into our heads to set up house. It was more accessible than a tree house and already built. We decked it out with a little cot, shelves with food, books, a boombox, toys. Once I got there before her and I found a t-shirt with some blood on it. I thought nothing serious though, considering she was a clutz. A week or so later that summer, I found a blade...similar to those that an old-fashioned barber would use for a straight shave. Again, I thought it was just a sweet addition to our survival gear.

When I realized what was happening, I was already a part of it. We were 17 and she had this old 1940 style Forld. You know, the ones with the giant rounded hood. It was painted with dark charcoal spray paint. She had rebuilt what needed to be rebuilt and drove it everywhere she could. One night, I found some limbs behind the back seats. yes, limbs. Decaying ones...It wasn't like it was in the movies now. Rubbery and blood covered. The skin was like paper and covered in an acidic gooey mess, like the fluid around chicken when it goes bad in the fridge. of course there was dried blood in the corners and cracks of the back of the car. She acted like it was no big deal.

It gets blurry here, but I recall arguing with her about what in the world was happening and how could she have the heart to do such things. She kept the scowl and denied having anything to do with it. We're standing outside the car now, and she's got a duffel bag that she throws up on the hood. It's not quite zippered and someone's decapitated head rolls out and over the front of the car. It hits the ground with a sick thud, and I simply scream. At this point, we're lit up. Cops surround us. I am petrified that I will be accused but they've heard the argument and have simply been waiting for some sort of actual confession. They handcuff her in the headlights of her Ford and she finally lets her forehead smooth, and says "oops!"

I'm questioned and they make me tell them about where we spend our time and who with. I'm asked to show them the "fort." It's not as I remembered from our previous sleepover. It's painted in blood spatter. More limbs are there, cut from the bodies. She has a collection of those blades, some are actually stuck into the meat of these people, like they belonged to that particular kill. She's hauled off to an institution due to her nonchalance. I'm let off the hook since I was simply too stupid to realize all these people that have gone missing are because of my sociopath best friend. I couldn't understand when she would have time to do it though. It just didn't make sense that we would spend so much time together, be going to school every day, and she would be leading this double life. She never disappeared strangely. I never saw her reading any mystery/crime thrillers. These events were impossible to pull off without some real research or attention to detail. Attention requires time and she didn't seem to have any of that. I'm confused, afraid, devestated, lonely, and completely lacking any confidence in my ability to trust a soul.

Weeks, maybe months later, I am at her parent's house. Maybe to return something of hers. It's been too painful and terrifying to go there up until now. I arrive unexpectedly and knock on the door of her parent's house. They don't answer. It's unlocked. For years, I would simply walk in and help myself to whatever I wanted/needed. Her house was my house and vice versa. I opened and called out their names. No answer. I only heard what sounded like a sander upstairs. Perhaps they were redecorating her room? Maybe her dad had a workshop? I tried to quell my panic with these very rational and possible explanations. I walked up the stairs steadily, down the hall, and around the corner.

She had been in training. The same description I had used for the police of our fort could be applied to her bedroom. The ceilings and walls were splattered with paint halfway up. From there down, they were slathered in it. Some was dried and dark brown and some was fresh and, well, blood red. They weren't using a sander, but a hand saw. Cutting apart the pieces of another skeleton. Chunks of flesh were scattered across the floor, like they fell haphazardly as the hand saw spun through the ligaments attaching it to the bone. They didn't see me right away. I was frozen, halfway around that corner. When her father looked up, he sighed, then grinned and started after me.

That's when I woke up.
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New Books I've read... [Jul. 14th, 2009|11:14 pm]
[Tags|, , ]
[what's my name? |calmcalm]

This is the first summer in 13 years that I haven't worked. bizarre, I know....I'm doing something useful with it all.

Thus far I have quit smoking. today is the completion of day 20.
I have joined a gym and developed a bit of a routine that kicks my ass without making me bitter and angry. With the quitting, I realize I can now actually breathe when I run/move. Go figure. This is the summer to get my body under control and get healthy.

Quitting smoking was stupid hard. I don't think there is anything quite like it. Many people have many of the same issues but I think it's a personal journey for everyone. For me, it was a constant choice. I didn't want to quit when I got pregnant, because then I would be forced to do it. I didn't want to use any aids because i didn't want to spend one more dime on the dirty habit. I didn't want to put it off because that's just such a bad precedent - why not start saving my life as soon as possible?
Michael and I quit together, cold turkey. I smoked my last on the last day of school. I actually smoked like a fool that night. My husband went to bed early, and I stayed up until 1145 or so. I smoked my last on the couch, struggling to stay up to smoke as many as I could before midnight. I'm not sure I totally appreciated that last drag. I truly miss it.
The first few days, the cravings were out of control. Every single minute was a challenge. I talked to anyone that would listen and for the first time since my wedding, went over my allotted cell phone minutes for the month - a week before my plan reset. It was painful and it made me more than grumpy. My whole world was about it for three days. then the withdrawal started to change a bit. Feeling a bit accomplished and proud of myself for lasting longer than I have without a cigarette for the last decade, I was cheerful. Singing and dancing around the house, I stayed busy and productive. Then the bitterness and irritation hit. Michael and I started fighting and have barely stopped. I still want to smoke every half hour or so, but most of my cues/triggers have been defeated. I've relearned how to drive, watch a movie, drink a cup of coffee, play poker, have a beer without a smoke in my hand. Now, I want one like I want to go to Christy's and close the bar singing to Johnny Cash. It's just not something I can do anymore...and it's sad, like losing a friend. But, in the end, like those select friends that were a bad influence, I'm better off without them.

I had surgery today. For a while I've been rather concerned about the whole pre-cancerous business. I had some abnormal cellular growth that refused to go away. It's been lurking and progressing for the last two-three years...today they lasered it right out. The anesthesia was an interesting adventure. I've never been put under before. Nor have I had an IV. Today was a day of firsts:) All went well except that I wasted the rest of the day sleeping. I don't know what happened - I came home, was reading, and then all of a sudden it was 5pm. Ah well.

I'm also working on saving some money (again something quitting can help us with). I want to have a baby and before I can do that I have to buy a house. I'm ready for my life to get moving.

And finally, I'm planning on reading like crazy all summer. While there are definitely activities to fill every day, I am also fitting in some quiet alone time now and then.

Thus far I've read a few different books...

Goodnight Nobody - Jennifer Weiner
New Moon
Breaking Dawn is next all by Stephenie Meyer
Manslation - Jeff Mac
Trust Me - John Updike
Why We Suck - Denis Leary

I plan to grow that list as quickly as possible. Any recommendations are welcomed.

Also, I think I'm back to livejournal - after a LONG hiatus. I miss writing and letting my thoughts ramble. Hey, it's summer - I've got time;)
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I'm not sure if I should start this up again [Jun. 25th, 2008|10:17 am]
[Current Location |home]
[what's my name? |refreshedrefreshed]
[you should be listening to... |Mr Holland's Opus]

Last time, it was such an addictive way to get my words out and I stopped actually talking to people. I suppose we'll have to see what happens.

A lot has happened in the last year or two. I finished college. Moved away from Greenville and back in with my mother for a few months. I got a terrible job working for a mortgage company. When Michael came back from Iraq I flew to Wisconsin and picked him up and we took a cross country trip to move back here. We stayed at Notre Dame and in Chicago and walked the pier and saw the smallest church in the United States and it was wonderful. When we got back we stayed with my mom for a bit and found an apartment here in Foxboro. We both got jobs working at Bank of America, right down the street from my old high school.
We were engaged last August on our anniversary in Hemenways restaurant and since then I've been planning this huge event. I took the teaching tests in MA and got certified here and started subbing last November. In February I started to teach at Qualters Middle School. They gave me a long term subbing position for 6th grade ELA. When the the teacher came back, I just became a building sub and last Friday they hired me on for next year, full time as a 6th grade ELA teacher. Dream come true.

I've made a few new friends and the wedding is a bit more than three months away. I'm thrilled about my new job and totally stressed about the wedding planning. It's fun, sure but the money is a lot to worry and think about.

Life is beautiful. I love my life. And now I have to go buy underclothing for my first fitting:) yay. Oh yea, my dress is more than anything I ever imagined or designed in my head.
So that's my very brief synopsis. One of these days I'll come back and write in more detail about some of those stories. Because they're so much richer than I can write now.
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Here's to another deployment... [Apr. 15th, 2007|11:02 pm]
Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead.
In peace there's nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility:
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
Disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage.
(Henry V 3.1.40-7)
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what a whirlwind! [Jul. 7th, 2006|05:55 pm]
[Current Location |Ottawa, ON - Canada]
[what's my name? |excitedexcited]
[you should be listening to... |Great Big Sea's soundcheck from my hotel balcony!!!]

So, in one week I got screwed by U-Haul for three days, drove up to RI, unpacked my stuff, moved my mom's stuff into her classroom, went out with my grandparents, went out with my aunt (and drank Bud), drove to Ottawa, made new arrangements with Michael, and I am now on my way to another awesome night with Great Big Sea. It's been a hell of a ride kids. and it's not over yet.

I still have to figure out where I'm gonna work, get a car, get an apartment, and figure out where the hell I want to be in five years.

that's after white water rafting, watching the regal changing of the guards, touring Parliament and driving BACK to RI for 9 hours.

I believe I'll be writing a lot more come the end of this trip.
Also, the universe spins on an axis much faster than I ever expected once you graduate.

Here's to missing old friends and making new plans.
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I'm addicted [May. 10th, 2006|06:09 pm]
Come join me in my addiction. Please.

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Surrealism [May. 9th, 2006|01:45 pm]
..is my life these days. I have graduated. At least I walked. I have one more class I have to take and another I'm taking for the financial aid and such. it's odd.

I had a great weekend with my family. Mom, Emily, and Becky came down and i was pretty much flabbergasted with Emily's arrival. I only saw her up in the stands and noone told me she was coming. I was thrilled.

We all got along, ate like queens all weekend, and partied hard. Becky hung out with Zach, emily was dubbed "short bus" during a game of Scene It, and Alice got a shiny new laptop for the occasion. It's absolutely stellar, btw. I'm on it right now at work and it's helping my shift fly by so much quicker.

"I wasn't even supposed to be here today!" But so it is. I need to make some cash now. I'm just lazy because I've finally finished. I do have three whole days to rejuvenate...no responsibilities, nothing but fun. And Scrubs season 3. and Blues Night. And Christy's.

My car is sucking and when I get my graduation money I'm gonna bring it in for a patch up. a full bottle of power steering fluid lasts about 35 minutes. Useless hunk of metal. I'm selling it before I leave. Fuck that noise. Packing up my shit in a UHaul, spending a couple days on an Elizabethtown roadtrip home, and then unpacking and going to Ottawa for a week. GBS and Bonnie Raitt and some other cool fucking bands are going to be playing just for me. I'm excited. And with the family being so nice to me this weekend, I'm not dreading the month i get to spend at home before Michael gets here.

things are going to get really quiet around here. As of now, I've been on myspace, kingsofchaos, and neopets for the last seven hours. I'm beginning to feel guilty that i'm not doing something more productive with my time. I mean, I'm earning money sure (though earning is a stretch of a word) but I don't havut e anything to DO. I suppose I could write to Michael, but as you can see, I have the attention span of a knat.

I am not under any orders to make the world a better place this week. I'm zoning. chilaxin', and basking in the neon glow of my 17" notebook.

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Come play with me... [May. 5th, 2006|11:23 am]

PLEEEEEEASE!!! It's my graduation today and I need something to fill the hours;)
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