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Lots to talk about....ooo shiny! post, be forewarned. [Feb. 1st, 2006|04:55 pm]
[what's my name? |pleasedpleased]

SO. To start, I'm getting the hang of this teacher thing. Actually, I think I'm pretty awesome for only having taught for 5 days. My kids are starting to respect me. i know their names. They know mine. I am the "real" teacher in the classroom...It's been rocking. Hopefully, when my first observation is over tomorrow, I'll feel the same way. Ms. Foster and I (my clinical teacher) are getting along swimmingly, and she's even more friendly and sociable now than ever. It helps that she's the coolest teacher in the school and that I've (relatively) got my shit together at this point. It's gonna be a great three months.
Getting into the meat of things, is stellar.

After my surgery two weeks ago, I was going to the health services ECU place every single day for dressing changes and checkups. I am now DONE!!! I can let the slice heal, and all should be well, if I take my antibiotics and all that jazz for another six days. I think my system is starting to right itself. Only one more appointment for another strange chick thing next week, and I will be through with them. God willing. If things swing my way. I'm not worrying yet though.

I could eat peanut butter all freakin day long if I had to.

Going to dinner tonight with the gang. I swear to christ I'm getting some real food down my throat. Hot dogs and sandwiches are just not doing it for me. RED MEAT!!!!

The ironpour is Saturday, so I'm looking forward to that...

Michael seems to be doing better, and we're doing great, despite my harping.

Things are awfully wierd with my grandparents. Apparently, and this is from the horse's mouth and the daughter of the stallion's mouth, they believe that I'm screwed up and confused and very misled. My grandmother thinks so because I don't go to church. I've been raised Catholic and have CHOSEN not to practice, and therefore, I do not go to church. Dying with a mortal sin on your soul will send you to hell. Not going to church is a mortal sin (when it's a choice and not because you're sick or something) So I asked her, even though I live my life as best I can and I am essentially a good person, you think I'm going to hell because I don't practice Catholicism and go to church and buy into the whole CHURCH as an entity thing? And she said yes. So, I'm not quite sure what her opinion is of my character, but if I'm going to hell, it can't be great. Disappointing, since I thought we had more mutual respect than that.
It was four days ago though, so I'm nearly over it. bouncing faster these days.

Finished one book and onto the next. Reading Survivor now and can't put it down. Fucking awesome. Chuck Palahniuk. Fight Club author. Brilliant. shout out to Joshua for letting me borrow it - finally!

so yea, I've got ANOTHER three unit plans done. Brave New World, Medeival Lit, and Descriptive Speaking/Writing. I rule. Making about 8 billion copies tomorrow. sigh.

And I've been going to bed before midnight. And dressing up everyday for work. And actually getting comfortable with that again. I'll have to make a habit of ironing on Sunday. It greatly improves the weekly routine.

There's more news, but that's all I can think of at the moment. Besides, I've been sitting at a computer most of the day. I'm out.
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(no subject) [Dec. 18th, 2005|08:52 pm]
I have cleaned out my friends list.

Because this is a very tender place of analysis and discovery for me. And I should feel safe here to post what I want. "I should tell you..."

Because I'm tired of being reminded of the stupid decisions I've made when I'm already making steps to avoid such decisions and tendencies. "Forget regret. or life is yours to miss."

Because my future is brighter without certain people in it. "I'm giving up my vices."

Life's too short sometimes. "525,600 minutes. How do you measure, measure a year?"

The rest were simply cleaned out because they no longer write and because I no longer comment anyway.

If you actually want to be added, leave a comment. Otherwise,

good luck and goodbye.
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Another epiphany... [Dec. 15th, 2005|02:22 am]
I realized...I know I think to much...that it's not the alcohol that's bad for you so much as it is the repressed shit that comes out when consuming alcohol.

After I got stood up and wrote my last bitchy and wallowing journal, I said, "Fuck that noise," and went to the bar anyway. I made sure I had my journal and a pen so I could write. I sat in the corner of the bar, my favorite private seat, and wrote for an entire hour, sucking down three celebratory Guinness..

Much to my chagrin a drunk hippie that looked like a lead singer of an 80s metal band started to talk to me. I put him off, but my writing seemed to intrigue. He asked who my favorite author was, and then what my favorite novel was by Kurt Vonnegut. I have many favorite authors, but that one was on my mind because I recently read harrison bergeron again. Anyway, I digress. He managed, in his suave and oh so drunk state, to say both "you're much smarter than you look." and "it doesn't matter what you look like, I'm above all that." Now, to a guy, not so offensive. To a girl, the first implies that I look stupid. The second implies that I am not up to his standards of gorgeous. Both of which are insulting when we're talking about some loser hippie that can't hold his Jameson. However, it did give me the opportunity to use a movie quote that I've been DYING to say. He asked what my name was. Someone I didn't like said "what's your name?" It was dreamy when I replied, without skipping a beat. "fuck you, that's my name."

Maybe I'm bitter. Maybe I'm fed up with the bullshit and disrespect. Maybe no longer have to put up with sub-par just so I can have something to put up with. For once I wasn't flattered or intrigued that someone was hitting on me. Just tired and irritated that someone interrupted my writing jag.

So. I'm not sure if what I wrote will be worth a damn tomorrow, so I'm not transcribing it yet. However, I will wallow for however long i remain awake. comfort food maybe.
I've got another 9 months until I have to make someone think I'm hot enough to be with anyway.

Gosh I'm repressed. Where's this shit coming from?
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Turnabout's fair play... [Dec. 15th, 2005|12:04 am]
Except I had a real reason.

I got stood up tonight. Twice. One of them forgot we even had plans. But I'm not surprised. Or at least, if I weren't an asshole, I wouldn't be.

I did, however, stand Yvonne up when I was in RI because we had some complications.
So turnabout.

Now, I was hoping that I would be able to celebrate a little, since I did just finish up another semester, my last semester of classes btw, and am one more session away from graduation.

I'm a little worried because I haven't heard from Michael all day, since 9am, and it's already well into his morning and still no text...and that was a little saddening because he was supposed to give me a wake up call this morning. That, of course, didn't happen. And it's the election. And there were a bunch of mortor explosions in Baghdad today...and...I'm just a little worried.

I'm a little glum because I don't really have any friends left. At least in town. And the ones in the rest of the continental US aren't necessarily reliable either of late. In town, the friends I have are either tired of my constant business, tired of my emotional antics, or just plain forgot that I existed when I took my two week sabbatical. All of a sudden, I'm stood up. Not invited to the bar with the gang. etc. etc. Another friendship is simply wierd. He's tired, I'm frustrated, there's no time or energy or conduit to the talk that needs to be finished, and it's just strange.

My friends in RI are MIA and Yvonne is probably still annoyed, though she won't admit it. Friends in FL, NY, DC etc aren't really...chatty, I suppose you could say. I think I'm too heavy for them.

I've been trying to be really optimistic about the fact that I have no friends left. I've been really making an effort to enjoy the time I spend alone and quiet. Thinking a lot, maybe too much. I've been reveling in my freedom. Going to Barnes and Noble and putting out really good schoolwork and writing in my livejournal. But the problem is, I've never really liked much freedom. I find it's not productive.

I've turned to talking regularly and personally with my mother. She seems to be my best friend these days, other than Michael. Which is super scary, considering our history.

Ok. Now I'm making myself so sad I don't even know what to type. Time to dive back into work.
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So that happened. [Dec. 14th, 2005|02:08 am]
I took the exam. Then my brain exploded. Then my fingers got numb drinking coffee and smoking outside mudslingers for a half hour or so. Then I came home and my precious, done since the beginning of November unit plan group project blew up in my face. I spent about 4 hours telling the other two people what they had to get done, and how to do it. Organizing and editing their shite. And it's 2am and I still don't have everything. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?!?!

I have studied for Latin though, and made one of my brilliant boiled down study sheets for tomorrow's cramming. And I actually only need a 60 to get a B in the class. 70 to get an A. And I got an 87 on the last one WITHOUT studying. SO there.
Then, hand in the rest of this unit plan, and I'm done. Yup, D-U-N, DUN.

Then I get to write lesson plans for two weeks. shiny.

At least I get a full four days of NOTHING before I have to go home, face the music, and answer all kinds of questions about michael and the war and student teaching and my attitude and my belief structure and my wedding and how many grandchildren and when there will be grandchildren and....sigh.

I still have to do my christmas shopping. All of it. Except for Michael of course, since he's 8000 mi away and it had to be sent out.

Boy am I sleepy.

Tomorrow night, I'm celebrating. Most likely, I will be celebrating solo, but I'll be celebrating. Maybe I'll go buy a dartboard and teach myself how to play. Yea. When you have no friends, thoughts and activities can get pretty sad. And inventive. And random.

I wicked miss Michael. Say a prayer. He's headed out and it might be dangerous with the elections going on...
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not to make too huge a deal of it... [Dec. 13th, 2005|12:37 pm]
but I have regained an old friend of mine. And boy am I pleased.

Welcome back, you know who you are.

In other news. Math test in t-4 hours. I'm on Ch 3, of 5. And I've only been studying 2 hours...so I should be Fiiiiine. Granted even the math whizzes say this test is ludicrous. But we'll see how it goes. I'm actually digging that it's at night. 5-7. Totally relaxed...Probably one of my favorite times of day...

Other favorite times of day?
-The 30 seconds when you wake up and you aren't thinking about what you have to do yet, and just...coming
alive again. This only happens when you're not jolted out of bed because your internal clock tells you you're late and when you're not woken up by a cell phone, alarm clock, or door knocking.

-If I'm anywhere near water, then 12pm, when the sun is RIGHT over you.

-Twilight, but that's not so...original.

- whatever time of day it is that you step out of the shower and put on comfy clothes cuz you don't have to leave the house.

Wow. I am REALLY procrastinating. I even did some improvement on my EDTC webpage this morning to avoid studying math. Wrote a reflection. cleaned out my text messages from my overfilled phone. I fucking hate this test tonight. But I can't stress about it because...I know what i know, and if I don't pass, which I'm settled with, I'll figure out a way to make it work so I graduate on time. Distance learning or one session over the summer or...whatever. I'll figure it out. this teacher screwed me, and I've finally accepted that I'm screwed. i'll take it as a last shot in the dark, who knows...I've been getting lucky these past few weeks:)

Yes. That's optimism you heard. Now pick your jaw up from the floor.
That's another journal entry. For another day. We'll see how long it lasts:)
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more thinking... [Dec. 12th, 2005|10:46 pm]
[what's my name? |melancholymelancholy]
[you should be listening to... |silence]

I forgot how much I love being at home alone. All semester I've been so so so busy, running around like a decapitated chicken, driving and quizzing and attending and depositing and eating and caffeinating...It's finally the end. I have a few responsibilities, some more schoolwork to accomplish, two exams to pass, and then I'm done. Other than the normal Christmas gift buying, wrapping, packing, and shipping. Also, squaring away bills and such for my trip to RI.

But still. I do love the quiet sound of my apartment. When the people outside aren't blaring music and the woman upstairs isn't bowling and the guy next door isn't screaming at his dog to obey. No music. No television. Just quiet.

Then again, I miss listening to that quiet, and knowing Michael's in the other room playing video games. I suppose you know it's the 21st century when your relationship consists of text and away messages...stupid army kept me waiting by the phone (granted it's a cell and goes with me anywhere anyway) for two days without the promised call. It may sound bitchy to be a little sad about it, but I don't mean it as such at all. I'm not mad at Michael or resentful or suspicious that he didn't call cuz he didn't want to. It's just, it would be nice to hear his voice.

I suppose the seperation anxiety didn't entirely subside yet. In fact, it's still very much alive. I just miss him is all. 24/7 to not hearing in four days with five or six different expecations of a phone call that never came. I hate to be that girl. The "waiting by the phone, why didn't you call me, text messages aren't enough" girl. But I'm just too damn attatched to want to let go. 15 days is a blessing, but way too short a time. WAY too short. And now I'm all needy and shit. Fuck.

My mother always said I would regret wishing away time when it had passed. She was right actually. All that time at Catholic I pined to be out of there I wish I had used more effectively and wisely. Gone more places, done more things, seen more sights, become an expert on the city, gotten in shape, joined a club or a team. But I was depressed and in doing so I wished it away. Now, I'm doing the same thing. I am a stubborn girl. Thinking next semester will involve my student teaching, pilates, daily trips to the gym, working on my book, and maybe even having some fun in Greenville, outside my apartment. At this point I have to make a concious effort to leave the house and go DO something, even if it's just sitting at Barnes and Noble or having coffee or lunch. If I could stay inside every single day, I probably would.

I wonder why I became a hermit. Or maybe I always was one, but I couldn't stay at my mother's house for fear of losing my mind.

Anyway, my laundry should be dry by now...time to distract myself more.
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I've been thinking... [Dec. 12th, 2005|06:34 pm]
Since Michael left the house has been very quiet. For the last three days I've been working on getting his Christmas present package together and that has taken a lot of my energy, but teh alone time has been rather thought provoking.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but there are a LOT of people that I don't have the time or inclination to deal with. I'm a pretty busy girl, with a decent amount of responsibility and a pretty hefty schedule of obligations. Granted, they will be a little less scattered next semester, but generally will take about the same amount of time and dedication. Now, as this busy girl with a pretty full plan for her future, I have little time for others.

Family is always a crucial one. Sunday phone calls to the grandparents, chatting with my sister, random phone calls to the rest of the family and vacation time spent in RI celebrating memorable moments are all high on my list of priorities. Family is family, and you can't choose em, and they're always there, for better or worse. So it takes time and maintenance to withstand distance and difference in opinions AND stay tight knit.

So, now, there's school, work, and family. That doesn't leave much time for anything else. But I need to fit at least one or two more things in the very short weeks...

My friends. I don't have many, and I don't make them easily. In two years at Catholic, living on campus and showing up in DC a complete stranger, I made a few friends. I now talk to a grand total of 3, and only a couple times a year. I lived in Greensboro for three years and I talk to 1, MAYBE two of the people I knew there. And even that is on a very semi-regularly basis. Mostly, I keep up via livejournals. In Greenville, I have many aquaintances. I probably know more people in this town than I have in any other town I've ever lived in. But again, only 1 or 2 will stick around after I've moved again.

I'm getting ready to move in May, to RI then finally to Boston where I plan to settle down for a good long while, establish a good line of credit, gain career experience, get my grad degrees, etc. That's 5 months left in this town. Now, there are people here that I particularly enjoy and make a serious effort to make time for. On the other hand, there is a handful of people that I would LIKE to devote more time to, but don't see the point.

Is it close-minded to say that these people should be kept at a distance since I'm moving in such a short time? There will be the same amount of free time next semester as there was this semester, so I won't have more time to devote to cultivating said friendships. Granted, some are fantastic or interesting people, but is it worth it?

I realize that I need support and frienships and other people to interact with and stay sane over these stressful months, and I could probably be of use to them as well. But most of the time, for me, forging friendships is SO very difficult. It's not that I'm stuck up or not friendly about things, it's just that I have little patience for the whole "getting to know you" thing. I've known and been disappointed with a lot of people.

Is it bad to live by the motto "the less I invest, the less I get hurt?"

Is that jaded or just...reasonable?
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(no subject) [Dec. 7th, 2005|10:07 am]
I'm feeling way too many things right now.

I wish people would quit lying about me. It makes me even more sad than frustrated. Especially when they have no idea what the fuck they're talking about, since they weren't at all involved with either party they are gossiping about. It's just upsetting. for everyone.

I wish I didn't have an exam on Friday. I'm most likely going to be...entirely distracted. To put it nicely.

I wish...well, I wish a lot of things.

Today, mainly, I wish I didn't have a math test. and since I do, I wish I pass it well.

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(no subject) [Dec. 4th, 2005|04:26 pm]
[you should be listening to... |comic book geek talk]

oh sweet jesus.

Cosmos are worse than petron.

Now, don't get me wrong. last night was freakin ridiculous fun. But I think I fell in the snow and I think I kissed a girl or something....god knows.

I did realize how much I suck at darts though....

There is going to be a gigantic update when I get on my computer again, and Michael is not taking every waking hour to make me delirious.

Peace I'm out.

I'm still in WI, til Tues night.

This fucking place is freezing.
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